Day 20: A Bit of a Struggle!

We are in our twenties! And I don't know if it's all mental, but today was a difficult day. I think I hit a wall and realized that it is a lot of work cooking, preparing, planing and eating well. It is hard work, it is all worth it, but it is time consuming and sometimes it would be so much easier to order in food - whether it's a pizza, sushi, chicken, steak, vegetables...whatever it is, it would be easier. But I am learning and changing with Whole30 and it's not supposed to be easy. I am supposed to be working towards making the best version of myself and it is not just for 30 days, it is for the rest of my life. So although next week is really busy and I won't be home a lot to cook which means less leftovers for lunches, I need to stay focused, stay in control, stay happy and not go off track!

I didn't go off track today, but it wasn't my best day. And it was the first time in 20 days that I had a thought of "I feel fat." And I am not fat, and 1 day of "bad" eating does not make me feel fat, but I now know how I feel when I am following a strict Whole30 and how I feel when I don't. And trust me, I don't like the feelings I felt yesterday.

Yesterday started early, but I wanted a day off from Bar Method so Ryan and I had breakfast together. We had an egg omelette made with 2 eggs, coconut milk and applegate pork pepperoni, bruschetta, avocado, spinach and tomato and topped with avocado and pecans.

I thought at the time that it was great and delicious but a few hours later I found myself snacking. And I wasn't snacking because I was hungry, I think I was bored...I think I was a bit lost because I woke up early but didn't have a routine or something planned so I was watching TV and fell victim to HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired). Ryan was at the office working really hard and I went back to my old mentality, that if he didn't see it, it didn't happen. My snack (3 hours after Meal 1, so maybe I really was hungry) was plantains and almond butter and a frozen N'Oatmeal muffin. It wasn't bad for me, but it felt bad to be snacking. It was 3 hours after Meal 1 so maybe I should have had Meal 2 instead of the snack, but we didn't have dinner plans until 6pm, so I would have probably snacked at 3/4pm anyway. I wasn't focused on work or an activity, so my mind wandered to filling the time with food. And I felt guilty and bad about myself and all around negative the rest of the day. It wasn't fun and I miss not letting food control me, but today, I unfortunately took a step back in forming my new habits.

Meal 2 was the last leftover spaghetti squash pizza and a green salad topped with nuts and 100% cacao nibs and balsamic vinegar. Maybe it wasn't what I really wanted to eat and I just ate it because it was convenient because it was the first time in 20 days that I craved something sweet after the meal to "finish" it. I use to always need chocolate after a meal to feel full and this was the first meal that I felt like I needed more in order for it to be done. So after Meal 2 I had a few dates and figs with more almond butter. And again, I felt sluggish and down and negative and horrible about myself. I don't want food to be the enemy but I can't revert back to my old habits now that Whole30 is winding down. This is the time to take it seriously so I can end Whole30 with new outlooks about food and new habits and routines. Today I went back to my old crutches of sweets to feel full and I don't know why.

Meal 3, we decided to go out to dinner - the first time going out since starting Whole30. I wanted to be out of the house and out of the kitchen. We decided not to go out to eat just for a meal, but to make it fun, make it an experience and make it something to get my mind off of the negative aspects of the day. We went to Gyu-Kaku in the East Village which is Japanese BBQ. The menu is raw meats and vegetables that you cook at your table at your own grill! My concern was that all of the marinades were soy based because it is Japanese cuisine, so I called ahead to the restaurant and told them that I had an allergy to soy - they told me all of the food can be ordered with just salt and pepper!

Ryan and I loved dinner! It was fun, it was unique and the food was delicious. Ryan ordered beef with a miso marinade and chicken with pesto and corn. I ordered NY Strip Steak with salt/pepper, Duck with salt/pepper and Salmon. I only realized after I ate it that the salmon had butter (not whole30 approved because it is dairy) but it was only a little amount since the salmon steams on the grill. I tried to keep my food separate from Ryan's on the grill since I didn't want cross-contamination of the soy on my food and I think I did a good job - but this is real life and yes I may not eat it, but people around me do and I can't stop Ryan from having his meat marinated in soy and I didn't want to ruin dinner by yelling at him to keep his food on his side of the grill. We also weren't going to have separate grills. This is life. So yes, I may have had a little dairy and may have had some cross-contamination but all-in-all I think it was a really successful dinner out. Sashimi was the safe bet eating out but this was more fun. And the more I feel comfortable with my new eating habits, the more comfortable I feel requesting specific cooking instructions at restaurants and asking about ingredients in their food.

 

We came home and I didn't need dessert which was good and I was full and satisfied so even though it was a difficult day for me, I think I came out of the day recognizing my struggles and being able to recognize them so they don't happen again!

It was an incredibly beautiful spring day in NYC so I think with the warmer weather coming, my emotions will be lifted and I will be happier and more excited about life. And summer seems easier with cooking because it's a lot of fresh meats and vegetables and not heavy sauces and dips!