When I went to college in 2005, I never considered myself fat. Maybe chubby? Probably not though because I was still wearing clothes that fit me before college and ignored my ever expanding waist and thighs. My jeans were ripped in between my thighs and rather than buy a size up in pants, I work tights underneath my jeans so my skin wouldn't show in the rips! I never saw the Freshman 15 (or rather 20lbs) that I gained on myself. I never felt different. I ate, I drank, I smoked cigarettes, I didn't even know where the gym was on campus, and I felt fine. It wasn't until Sophomore year, when I met Ryan, when I quit drinking, when I realized what a grilled chicken salad was, and the weight started falling off, that I realized just how unhappy I was.
When I met Ryan in February 2007, I had gained 20-25 pounds in 1 year. I was a size 10 pants (though I'm sure it was more like 12), I could barely walk up the 1 flight of stairs in my dorm building to my room (though I could run down the stairs fairly quickly when I needed a cigarette), but I didn't see it...I don't think this is a case of denial, this is truly a case of, I never knew what had happened. I saw the photos and didn't see my changing body, my bloated face, my stomach hanging over my waist, and worst of all -- I didn't see that I was wearing clothes that accentuated these body parts because I thought it was "sexy." I was wearing provocative clothes because I thought I had to. I was hiding my larger body in clothes that didn't fit so instead, I made people more aware of my growing size. I wanted to feel sexy, so I dressed the part, or at least what I thought was sexy at the age of 18 -- short skirts, low cut shirts -- trust me, it was not sexy. I was overweight, unhealthy, and an unaware!
Ryan came in to my life at time when I guess I needed more help than I thought. February 11, 2007 was the last night I had a drink of alcohol, and February 12, 2007 was the last hangover I ever had, so it was also my last excuse for a hangover bacon egg and cheese sandwich. February 13, 2007, once I was fully recovered from my hangover, I probably ate my first salad in the Clark University cafeteria. And by May 2007, when Ryan came to visit me in the City, I was a size 6. I still had never gone to a gym (and never went to the gym the entire time I was at Clark) but the weight was falling off of me. The first place I saw it was my face. Now people like to tell me it is just baby weight, but at 18 years old, baby weight isn't a good enough reason to look the way I did.
By Junior year, I was living off campus, cooking all of my meals and finally beginning to look sexy -- my clothes weren't inappropriate, I threw out my low cut shirts that made my boobs like twice the size, got rid of low rise jeans, and wore clothes that were age appropriate and made me look natural. I felt good. I felt happy. I was smiling. I was excited about life.
2005
2011
By July 2010, I had my last cigarette, a Marlboro Light on the corner of 34th street and 3rd avenue at 10am. Yes, I knew the day and time because it was a very hard thing to give up. I quit smoking cold turkey for health reasons and although I miss it every day, I am in a much better place now and don't need to smoke cigarettes for any reason! I sometimes miss the social aspect of being a smoker, but I don't need them to be social, I can still go outside with friends if they want one, I am still me without being defined as a smoker.
2005
2011
In April 2011, I walked into the Bar Method Studio in SoHo and my life has been forever changed since that day!
It isn't about the number on the scale, it is about how I feel, but I am proud to say that I am now a size 2 and have found a love and passion for health and wellness that I never thought was possible! If you asked me in 2005 when I started college where I would be today, it would certainly not be here, which is a non-smoker, non-drinker, bar method addict who loves to cook and eat healthy! I love life, I love being happy, I love looking in the mirror and seeing me. Some days I look in the mirror and don't like what I see - I see arms that jiggle, a stomach that isn't as toned as I would like, and thighs that don't touch, but whenever these thoughts come in to my mind, I take a step back and think about how far I have come in the past 7 years. I am a whole new person - I have given myself a whole new life. It is hard work, and every day is a struggle, but I am forever changed!
The most important part of my transformation was finding something that inspired me to get my butt moving every day! Bar Method is a place that I call home because I can be myself and I can be pushed to my limits, but I still never give up. I have the support of friends, family and instructors to go to class, to work hard, to shake and to come out of class feeling strong and beautiful! Changing yourself begins with changing your activity and your mindset and Bar Method has been my happy place! Find what works for you though. I cannot run and I am bored at the gym, so working out would not be possible if I didn't find Bar Method, or any place that made me want to work out. I find inspiration in the classes and not from running in place on a treadmill watching TV. But everyone is different and it is important to find what works for you.
Eating right came naturally to me once I started seeing the changes. Why would I eat a whole pie of pizza when I can have a grilled chicken salad, or a baked potato, or gnocchi with spicy Italian sausage. Cooking the food has inspired me, eating good food has inspired me and everything can be eaten in moderation. I did eat a whole pie of pizza by myself once. I don't think I was happy after eating it as I am after spending a few hours grocery shopping for lean protein and fresh vegetables, cooking and eating dinner that I made myself. And yes, I still eat pizza now, but with a side salad and certainly not the whole 18" pie!
Also, find friends who inspire you, who you can share your passion for change and being healthy and well. Find people who you want to share recipes with, workout with, and speak to everyday about life in general. Surround yourself with people who care about you!
Another great reminder - you are NOT FAT, you HAVE FAT. Fat, chubby, bloat - it is not who you are, it does note define you. It is a part of you, and every part can be changed. You cannot let your weight or your image or a number on the scale or the size of your clothes define you. You can change all of these things and make yourself not have fat on you anymore. I still say, I am fat, or I feel fat, or I am bloated. But I have to remind myself that I am not these things. These things are not me.
So when it's cold outside, rainy, humid, or you don't feel well, think about where you want to be, how far you have come, how far you want to go, and push yourself. Push yourself harder than you know is possible because change is possible. We all deserve to be happy and to love ourselves and we all deserve to be the best versions of ourselves. It takes time, it takes hard work, but everything is possible. Be an inspiration to those around you and begin today!
XO
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